50 Shades of Grey

Setting myself up to watch 50 Shades of Grey took a lot longer than it would most movies. Firstly, I had to wait till my kids were asleep – not because I was afraid of them seeing imagery and concepts that will be foreign and frankly quite disturbing to them, but more because I would have to explain said imagery and concepts in detail and really…I couldn’t be bothered. Secondly, I felt, to fully embrace the theme of the movie, I had to watch it butt naked, while sitting in the lounge…..on a saddle….wearing a gimp mask (I may have embellished a little for the effect).

“Mr Grey will see you now”

50 shades of Grey opens in the sleepy village of Vancouver, where a simpering Anastacia (Ana, Miss Steele, Bella – whatevs) meets a brooding billionaire name Christian Grey (Christian, Mr Grey, Edward – whatevs) and through constant ums, ahs, hair twirling and lip biting, seduces the unsuspecting Grey to introduce her into his world of murder, mayhem and intrigue.

This thriller/drama has it all. Early 90’s thriller movie soundtrack (I was half expecting a tattooed Robert DeNiro to lower himself from under Ana’s VW every time she stopped), a brooding angry sadist (who could have been a sparkly vampire – they never showed him in direct sunlight), a jealous friend who wants to be more than a friend, a Red room (alarm bells should have been ringing in her head when Christian took her to his special playroom that didn’t have an Xbox anywhere in sight).

Maybe I’m just a prude, but…

I’ll be honest, I’m not a virgin and I was freaking out when I saw what Christian Grey likes to do with his spare time so I shudder to think what was going through the inexperienced mind of Ana. You can surely think she would be out of there faster than Jon Jones when he’s just been asked for a urine sample…but no, she sticks it out, and begins discussing this contract (another alarm bell for me – the only contract I have been involved in for sex involved my wife taking my last name and having witnesses sign it after saying I do…but that contract generally mean less sex and more pain….hmmmmmm maybe Grey is onto something there).

“Nice to know you” – Christian says as he walks around the corner in her room…of HER house…that he obivously broke into…without her permission…like a stalker would. What the actual firecracker is going on here? My wife said, “oh, he brought wine, so that makes it a bit better”, but then he’s suddenly throwing her down, tying her up and then….well, I’m confident that if he wasn’t a billionaire, he would have gotten 5-life in the local penitentiary.

“Don’t sign the contract Ana”

Ana get’s onboard with the whipping etc until she finally asks Christian to truly punish her. I think it would have been better to make her keep the haircut that she had, that would be ample punishment, but Christian (the ever indulging sadist) decides against this, gives into his base instincts and bends her over for a 6 solid wacks with a leather belt (why 6? Why not 3? What not 4 or 5 even?)….to which she counts….then loses her lolly at him before leaving….for good….cue credits. Will she come back, will he chase after her? I don’t know…I want to say I am looking forward to the next film to find out….but I’m not…but I have to.

Ana’s best acting was whenever she was drunk and letting Christian know what she thought of him. I may or may not have been cheering her on “give it to the prick Ana, you tell him!!!”
Admittedly, I felt like an old perve (not just because this movie is totally Mommy porn, but because I can ACTUALLY remember when Don Johnson and Melanie Griffiths had Dakota).

I think this film would best serve as a public service announcement shown at all schools to show them what a stalker looks like, what possessive behaviour is, what control dictatorship within a relationship could result in and that it pays to be a billionaire (so stay in school and get good grades).

Cue the next film – Laters babe!!

50 Shades of Review
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